Discovering Dad - Latest Comments in What Moms Really Think About SEX

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

WolfeBaldwin — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:38:06 -0000

After the kids are born, a couple's sex life is severely disturbed. Because it's usually the wife who takes most care of the house and the kids, she won't really have time to take care of herself. That is why most married men cheat on their wife with more attractive women. That is just a cowardly way to solve a problem. Instead they should offer to give the mom a day off once in a while, time that she can use to rest and take care of herself. This way she can remain attractive and sex can still be great.
___________
Lenjerie Pat

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

shouldbecleaning — Sun, 18 May 2008 23:21:46 -0000

My take on sex after kids.........see my post on it at my blog. I don't think it was alot different when they were really young, but as they have grown........well so too do we groan. Great blog..will be back.
http://freshpickedcraziness...

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

Ange — Sun, 11 May 2008 23:59:21 -0000

Mr Lady,.
Now... I have to disagree with your comment...

"We couldn't have stayed married because people need to have sex. Married people NEED that intimacy."

People do not need to have sex. It was not created as a way of recreation, rather pro-creation. If you need to have sex to feel intimate, It seems like you have another issue. Many you need to seek the help.

To tell your husband he needed to get help or you would leave is crazy. So now, he has forced sex with you to keep his marriage. That is just wrong in my opinion. How could you even want to have sex with someone who only is doing it to keep your mouth shut?

You can be intimate with a loved one without sex.

Someone does not need help becuase they do not want to have sex. Point blank everyone does not want to get it on every day.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

jnbammer — Mon, 05 May 2008 14:16:11 -0000

I'm sorry to hear that you have to beg to get help or equal participation in the family duties - that's not right, plain and simple. I've got a lot of respect for men and women in uniform (I used to be one too), and I've spent a lot of time around military families. The paternalistic structure of things was often transferred from work to home, and I saw all kinds of dads in that environment.

I'm impressed that you guys have found a way to keep a healthy sex life, if dad isn't really pulling his weight at home. It's good that you are, as it will just be one less problem to deal with otherwise (and, it's kinda fun, right?). I'm sure the ladies would have more to say, especially my wife - she wouldn't put up with that shit at all from me, but it's hard to change a person without them want to do so. I want to be a good man because it makes me feel better about myself. I don't want to sit around on my ass when I'm home, doing nothing - it doesn't feel good, and it's selfish, but...that's just me.

Thanks for the comment!

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

PyleSA — Mon, 05 May 2008 13:59:25 -0000

I really would just like to point out that while you may do all these things, there are many husbands that don't. It's very rare that my husband pitches in w/o me throwing at least one kid in his lap and turning off the tv/video game/computer for him and telling him that if I don't have 15 minutes in the kitchen without a child on each leg to cook his supper that we're all going hungry. In my experience (from stories shared with many girlfriends) you are more the exception rather than the rule. I work from home, take care of the kids, organize a military mommy's play group, clean, and cook from scratch every meal. On top of that, our house is the division's gathering place -- which means that I have to be ready at the drop of a hat to play hostess for 5-15 other men. My husband works 6-8 hours a day, mows the grass if I nag him enough to, and takes out the trash when it's overflowing b/c he's been promising to get it done for 2 weeks.

I completely agree that if it's important you'll make time for it. But sometimes the importance of sex gets lost in midst of everything else. That's not to say that it shouldn't be important. It should be. And I can't remember the last time either one of us told the other one no -- we work hard to not. But it needs to be pointed out that it's not always the case that the work is split half and half.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

anonymous — Fri, 02 May 2008 20:54:06 -0000

I had the same experience with my husband. It made me think strange things too. Unfortunately I did not stop at thinking....

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

Rudy Amid — Fri, 02 May 2008 19:38:02 -0000

I believe in that stereotype that men can have sex at a drop of a hat. At least for me it's true. It's never both of us initiated it. It's gotta be either one of us, and the other must be ready to "jump in" at a moment's notice.

I agree with Barry about having no excuses. Sex should be not forced upon. It is natural and essential in a marriage and both should not forget that. If it's difficult, then something else is wrong in the marriage that needs fixing.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

Rudy Amid — Fri, 02 May 2008 19:24:01 -0000

Bringing the kid to the bed is going to make it IMPOSSIBLE. My neighbor got it right when she said "The child sleeping in between us is a great contraceptive." We can certainly agree to that.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

Mr Lady — Fri, 02 May 2008 19:13:13 -0000

Jonathan,

That's such a hard one. After three years, well, it's not the kid, man. It's her, and I hate to say that. Before I say what I'm going to say, I am going to ask this JUST AS A PREFACE (because I don't actually think this is your fault). Is there ANY reason she'd be relucant? Has there been any history of infidelity? Is there any substance abuse in the home? Are you sure sex is satisfying for her? (Example, when my husband finishes WAY after or WAY before me, well, I get annoyed. Like, pissy annoyed. Like, don't ever touch me again annoyed. No one likes to feel like a tube sock.) Is there any history of sexual abuse in her past? My personal issues with that really didn't surface until after my kids were born.

If none of those are factors, I think you need to ask her to seek help. I had to sit my husband down and I basically said, "You are being cruel, here. I love you and I don't want to leave you but you cannot do this to me. Either go to a doctor and fix this or we cannot stay married."

We couldn't have stayed married because people need to have sex. Married people NEED that intimacy. If you go much longer without, you will stray. You won't be able to help it. Or, at least, you will WANT to stray, and at that point, the marriage is doomed.

A lot of women suffer lack of libido from either A) being on mood-stabilizing meds or B) NOT being on meds that they need to be. My husband's doctor got to the root of his main issue (Depression, that's what I'm guessing is going on with your wife) and once he was treating that, his libido returned. I also started a course of meds to treat my depression that stemmed from being in a shitty marriage. (It's not shitty anymore, just sayin.)

I am sorry to write such a glum response, but I have been there, and it almost destroyed my life until I took MAJOR steps to fix it. There is only so much we can do, and at some point the other person has to take their share of the responsibility. She's not just ending her own sex life, she's dictating yours.

Incidentally, (so as to not get beat up in an alley) I would give this same advice to a women. Sex is universal.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

Ashley — Fri, 02 May 2008 11:49:32 -0000

Eh, sorry I'm so late! Sex after kids can get hard to just find the timing, energy, etc. And, I SO agree with these ladies : Make her feel special. And, dudes, that doesn't mean hand her a flower and expect to carry her off to the bedroom. I mean, that MIGHT work, but don't bank on it. Do little things throughout the day (notes, sweet gestures, e-cards, flowers, whatever) throughout the day. Not only does it fulfill her, but (unless she's sick or just overly exhausted), it will probably have her ready for you at the end of the day. And, just a heads up: Don't get frustrated if it doesn't go as you planned the first few times...maybe you need to take a step further and rub her back or feet without her asking, or run that bath...but for the love of God, don't say "What? We aren't going to have sex NOW (after all of this)??" Because, then...all that stuff you just did...you just flushed it.

Oh yeh, and an extra quick tip. If you want your sex to be as exciting as it used to be, don't make it more work for your wife (I.e. meaning she has to do more laundry <sheets towels="" whatever="">, cleaning, picking up, etc.).

And, for me...I go by lists...I have certain things I aim to accomplish in a day...and by gosh, I will. So, if husband came home and generously offered to do the dishes and clean for 10 minutes FIRST and THEN put the moves on me...I'd be more likely to oblige then if I'm looking at a whole bunch of mess and my to-do list is running through my head. So, if your wife does lists in her head...you could always help with those so she CAN relax and enjoy sex...

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

Jonathan — Fri, 02 May 2008 03:48:33 -0000

I am at a lose, My wife and I have not had sex in almost 4 or 5 month our son will be 3 yr I really don't know what happened but our sex life was good before kids and know, I seem to have more of a sex drive after our son was born, and my wife just stopped wanting to talk about sex and stop having sex . I can't even kiss her or tell her I love her without her getting pissed off at me again I am at a lose. I try to get her to relax by doing anything I can to make her fell good about being a mom and my wife but again some how some way sex is brought up and we get into a big fight. I really don't know what I maybe doing wrong. Any insight would be nice to her

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

Tonie — Thu, 01 May 2008 03:15:26 -0000

Look there is no two ways about it, sex is fun and it is a game both mom and dad must be tuned in to play. In our hectic life I went through a period where my wife and I scheduled sex and I must say it was fun for awhile and then as you grow older and more comfortable with each other your tuned in on a whole other level but sex is good for your health. Libido and Health heart , prostate, etc. If you are tuned into your partner sex is and act of love.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

PG — Thu, 01 May 2008 03:03:49 -0000

I have a 'solution' for all the guys who are feeling a bit put off by 'not now' and 'maybe later' and 'not tonight'... but it's not a solution that you want.

start working (even mildly) opposite shifts.

I am at home with the kids during the days, a gig I LOVE. It's backbreaking work, harder than any other 9-5 I've had, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. So anyway, I am home days but work part time nights, 6-11pm. My wife works 40+ hours during 'normal' working hours. this being the case she and I see each other enough to exchange pleasantries and trade pecks on the cheek when she gets home from work.

Then, when I get home from work she is usually out cold. Putting 4 kids through dinner/homework/bathes/bedtime routine has her beat.

I would love to open the office for "Business Time".... http://www.youtube.com/watc...

she would love nothing more too. But when all you want to do is sleep than it's usually not much more than a nice idea.

So, yeah, would I like more.. DUH! Would she like more, YUP. In fact most days I think she's Jonesin' more than I am.

Sigh, every thing's a trade off in life.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

jnbammer — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 23:21:40 -0000

Relationships are full of contradictions! ;-) That's probably why we NEED counseling!

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

simplyChuck — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 23:19:17 -0000

Interesting comment Jeremy - Full of contradictions, but interesting nonetheless.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

jnbammer — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 21:51:25 -0000

I agree that sex should be initiated by both men and women. The process of initiating sex though is tricky, which has kind of been talked about already. It seems like failure to initiate sex becomes a habit by one partner at times, for whatever reason. I have a hard time believing that the desire is completely gone - more likely the motivation to initiate. If the desire strikes, and the opportunity is present, people should act on it more often to ensure a healthy relationship. Regularity of sex = better sex. If it's just every once in a while, then it's hard not to fumble around. If both people initiate consistently, then I've got to believe that it's a good thing.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

jnbammer — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 21:40:11 -0000

With limited hours in the day, I don't understand why couples don't make time for each other, but they will undoubtedly make time for solo leisure activities. It has never really made sense to me.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

jnbammer — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 21:37:30 -0000

It's kind of like BD said, I know what is rational and right, but that doesn't mean I believe it to be true. I'd rather believe that I'm the exception, even though I'm not. I hope I never have to find out for sure in the future - Lori and I have an awesome marriage, even if it isn't perfect.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

jnbammer — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 21:33:09 -0000

Yeah, me either! :-)

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

Kim — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 20:16:48 -0000

I have to add my two cents here. I actually had to have a LONG conversation with my husband about this because whenever I initiated the sex he ALWAYS said no.. but it was expected of me to ALWAYS say yes when he asked me.. I had a ton on animosity towards him because of this. We had to talk it through, and by no means was this solved overnight but I totaly get your point. My self esteem was seriously hurt from all the rejection.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

Kim — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 20:01:31 -0000

My husband stood far far far away from me while preggo.. I can't remember if we even had sex once I started to show..it drove me isane because all I wanted to do was have sex.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

Kim — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 19:54:32 -0000

Seriously.. 90% that is just mean. Man.. we clear about 75% on a good week. Lucky.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

simplyChuck — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 19:16:13 -0000

You certainly aren't alone in your thinking. I would be willing to bet that just about any guy that has gone to marriage counseling made that first visit after throwing a nice tantrum or was shock full of attitude walking through the door. This is just the way we are wired. We do want to fix everything ourselves, or "let it run its course". You know as well as I do we can't fix everything and more importantly fixing it ourselves sometimes means going to counseling. The whole "running its course" thing can be very damaging as it basically means you have no clue where the course is going to take you. You just hope it isn't over a cliff.

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

Mr Lady — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 18:25:11 -0000

*snort* Yeah, that's a dry spell. Or when you really get all into a comment thread on a blog, and devote every spare second to following it, and, well, it just cuts into your business time.

But not ME. That would NEVER happen to me. ;)

Re: What Moms Really Think About SEX

tmanettas — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:06:42 -0000

like: 'whoa this kinda sucks.'
or
like: 'ewww...please leave me be....'
or
like: 'hmm....maybe after you figure out where to stick that thing'
or
like: 'MUST I EXPLAIN EVERYTHING?!'