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I read the things these men do to cheese off their wives, and I think - how neandrethal can some guys be? I mean, really, leaving the toilet clogged and expecting wifey to clean it up? Not playing with the kids, or helping with their needs? I'd never be able to live with myself if I did these things. Not just because my wife would feel neglected or put upon if I did, but I would feel less than a man and a husband or father if I just was just content to go do my own thing while she put up with all the, um, crap.
But one thing that's interesting. One of the lady panelists is peeved when the man doesn't call when he's working late. Another doesn't want to ask permission to go out herself, and doesn't want him to call her to tell her he's going out. I think women give mixed signals to their men when it comes to time apart from each other. Which is interesting, because staying apart time implies a coming back together time (see yesterday's discussion) and conflict here can lead to conflict there. Just be sure to be honest and forthright about your expectations, and why you see them that way.
Still, if I were almost any of the husbands listed here I'd be ashamed of some of the the things they say I do. Not being interested in your day? Ignoring her and the kids in favor of SportsCenter? How Archie Bunker of you...
I do think a little deeper, though, and wonder how much of those stories I'd like to hear the guy's version and see if it's really something they're doing that's irritating or if it's overblown in the ladies' imagination (don't hit me ladies! Just being fair...) Is the guy really completely disinterested in your day, or is he trying to remain interested in the 37th gripe this week about what kid A did to kid B and how SHE had to deal with it by herself, or what manager A did to secretary B in closet C and how EVERYBODY'S sure he's going to dump his wife for her, but not until she gets out of rehab, blah blah blah. Let's consider context on all these things that women consider to be important, but men don't.
Oh and you know, maybe he likes the way he looks with a beard? That's not ok? Maybe you like yourself with short hair - is the fact that he prefers you with long hair (that tangles, and takes forever to wash, and is showing all those gray strands) going to deter you from getting the big trim? Maybe he feels the same way about the beard covering up a weak chin, or maybe he feels more masculine with it. There are two sides to every story, and we're only hearing one of them....
Now I have to decide if I want to put down my wifey pet peeves and risk her reading them :) Oh well, if she reads my comments yesterday and the day before about sex and looks, I'm screwed. And not in a good way...
Also, I'd cringe to read what Josh would have to say about me. We ALL have some really hideously annoying thing we do.
I wonder, though, how many of those hideously annoying things our spouses do are really reflections on our own insecurities and quirks. If hubby's constant, um, I don't know...eye-blinking annoys only the wife and not the 100s of other people he interacts with daily or weekly...maybe it has more to do with the wife's sensitivity and lack of tolerance than the husband's doofusness...
Some things, though, are just ridiculous annoyances that come with sharing time and space with another person, just like co-workers or PTA parents. You hang out with someone enough, you're going to find SOME excuse to pick them apart. Human nature and all. Josh and I try to make it funny. Sometimes we fail, sometimes we laugh really hard at each other.
These pet peeves are important for me to recognize, even though I know I don't do them all of the time. She knows that I have pet peeves too, but I try to recognize that most of them are my issues and not hers. The ones that are hers - I tell her, and we try to work it out. Even with all of that, and our love for each other, we still irritate the crap out of one another from time to time.
Drunk arguing. Both guilty.
When you get home after your 2 hours daily commute, after working 10 or more hours, that kitchen sink-it didn't have any dishes in it. They dinner I cooked that was waiting on the table with a beer-can't walk themselves into the dishwasher. Put that shite were it belongs, cuz if I wake up the next morning and the only thing in the sink are your dishes from the night before-God Help Us All. I know the tired line 'it was just a plate and fork, Trace-' works the other way too-
As for the socks Mr.Lady-I wash them the way I found them. Dried, ad refolded in the same manner. I don't turn socks-not for him or anyone. The kids manage to wear inside out socks, YOU.CAN.TOO.
I'm trying to be more confident by just doing more things without asking the wife. More often than not it seems to backfire and I stop doing things. I'm also guilty of telling my wife that her parenting style is not as good as mine. I've worked hard lately to back off and let her make her own mistakes...but it is SOOOOO hard.
Gotta run to a meeting...I'll be back later
Now to the important stuff. Your series is great...really stirs things up. I reacted to this installment in particular with mixed emotions. I agree with the previous comments that some of the behavior the panelists list are simply extreme and unacceptable...I think we all know which ones (toilet....sheesh). But there are other pet peeves where I couldn't help but exclaim "Aw, come on! Give me a break!" To be more specific, Kim's "My Husband doesn't listen to me", and Shannon's "Don't ask me every time you want to Do It; sometimes, I just like it when you take it, you know? I'll let you know if your timing is off, but I like it when you try"
My response to the first is that I DO listen, or at least make an effort to. The problem is that after a long day at the office, I want a little piece and quiet sometimes, and am not ready to digest a blow by blow account of the day with the kid. Its not that I don't want to hear about it, rather I would prefer to hear about it when I am ready. I don't come home and dump all the gritty details of my own day on my wife right off the bat, and I expect the same from her. If the minute I get home you start giving me baptism dates and talking about what we need to buy at the market for the trip to your mother's next week, expect me to tune it out. Sorry if thats harsh...its just the way it is.
Second, Shannon's statement reflects one of my own pet peeves. It seems that, essentially, you are saying "you keep on trying, and I'll tell you when its OK." I know many men are supposedly testosterone driven sex machines that will drive into a wall over and over until they get what they want, but I am not. And I am tired. I personally would rather not repeatedly hear the word "No" based on the promise that one day it might happen. For me, it IS better to talk about it, even schedule it in advance (my wife and I have had a lot of fun with this concept in the past, its like a secret date), than to worry about deciphering which times you want us to go for it, and which times we should "ask".
Sorry for the long post, but I'm assuming with this subject matter, you'll raise a lot of heart rates and get the old juices flowing. Great blog!
My statement about sex comes from my own, unique experience. I hardly EVER say no, mostly only during "that time" of the month, and not always then (I insist on red sheets on my bed, just in case). So in me saying that, the stopping him is seriously less frequent than not. I by no means think that applies to every man, or every woman. This day's topic I wrote specifically with MY husband in mind, not all men. Your response, "you keep on trying, and I'll tell you when its OK." , is exactly the opposite of my situation.
Your issue with my statement is totally valid, and no man wants to hear no over and over again. My husband and I battled that for many years, MANY YEARS, he being the nay-sayer, and I still have difficulty initiating sex for fear of rejection.
I think I just rambled a lot, and was probably unclear, but I hope this clarifies where I was coming from!
It does clarify, and I also don't want to insinuate that I hear no all the time. I guess I just am a true male in the sense that, when I have decided that I want to do something, I want it to go completely perfectly every time without any hitches. How's THAT for realistic expectations? You're explanation makes sense, but I still wish it were easier for us to figure you ladies out sometimes. Maybe I should invent a series of T-Shirts that either have the words "YES", "NO" or "Try Me" printed on them. Then I could just look and know where I stand. Also the "Yes" one could be all lacy and low cut. OK, I am rambling.
Most of them were covered in this post, but let me just second, third, and fourth one: seriously, would it kill you to put your clothes IN the hamper instead of making me step over them every day until I have to feel like a slave picking them up, washing them, folding them, and putting them away? This is a multi-leveled peeve, to be sure, but what's worse is the accusations of pettiness when I just refuse to wash anything not in the hamper.
I highly recommend this hard line to anyone else struggling with this problem, by the way, because she has gotten way, way better. I can't help it if I hate laundry but know it needs to get done!
Okay I need to go write out some reasons she's awesome so I don't strangle her when she gets home lol
I need to qualify my response to this whole thing.
When I hear Pet Peeve, I think, "Oh, something he does once in a great while that mildly annoys me." I don't think every day BS. The toilet thing? He did that ONCE, and it became a great big joke for us. Really, you had to be there. Everyone tries to get away with something sometimes, don't they? It wasn't malicious or lazy...it was us being silly. It did annoy me, slightly, but we prolonged it as a game.
The sex thing? That's just unique to us. We have a HORRIBLE sexual history, and are just now beginning to mend that, and part of our angst is tip-toeing around each other sexually. I in no way was trying to imply that he should always initiate, or that whether or not he gets lucky is a crap-shoot. I have a bigger sex drive than most 17 year old boys. My husband has more booty than he could ever handle.
I feel like I made him look like a gigantic ass. I did not intend that. He works A MINIMUM of 12 hour shifts, 6 days a week. He comes home past midnight every night and will still do the dishes if I was too tired to get to them. He bails me out of my laundry nightmare every Sunday, which is his only day off. He tidies all the time, and never, EVER, complains that the floors should have been swept or that there is 2 inches of dust everywhere. He is a WONDERFUL man.
The poor thing only gets one day home a week, and sometimes he just wants to lock himself in his room and watch SportsCenter. I CANNOT argue that. He tries really hard to remember that I need that, too. He just forgets sometimes. He guy is tired ALL the time. Of course he forgets. I just have to remind him occasionally.
Does that help at all????
My father always told me...you spend YEARS not closing the toothpaste cap and then something so little can cause divorce...aka things build up. People have good things and bad things....if your good things overshadow your bad, you can take it and live with it CHILLAX! but if you have even ONE really bad thing that overshadows ALL your good, then you're in trouble. Sometimes we think that letting go of our habits is like CHANGINg ourselves for others...it may be not, it may actually do you good and make life easier to manage.
My only pet peeve is that my husband has a bad memory...but I do recognize he just can't help it..so we have set up two Google calendars and we put our events on there and share our calendars with each other. It has helped a lot. Sometimes if you just relax, you'll realize that REALLY your arm won't fall off if you have to remind him one extra time. Actually you'll feel even better if you PITY them for not having the mental capacity you do LOL
This kind of argumentative back talk drives me up the wall.
Don't guys know that the old saying is true: If mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!
So, just let her be 'right'. Arguing over little stuff is such a waste of energy.
And, note to self: have more patience.
That is a really good point Matt. I hadn't thought of it that way.
Thanks for helping me understand men better. :)
No cooking? Dude! You know what a point winner that can be, even if it's only once in a while! Check out my "Cliffipes", I wrote them to be funny, but THEY WORK! And they're easy. You don't have to cook a gourmet meal, but can you imagine the reaction you would get if Lori came home to a homecooked meal served by candlelight? Cha-ching! That's the "He's so wonderful" register sound.
I hate to touch raw meat, though, because when I was a kid I used to hunt and trap A LOT - my cousin is the great, great grandson of one of the most famous hunters in Appalachia by the name of Meshach Browning, so we had to do the family proud. When you're 10 years old skinning coons, rabbits and foxes to make an extra $2, though, it kind of scars you for life. This is why I don't hunt or cook very often any more. True story!
Connecting that with the changing habits idea, I think it would be great to have a little "pet peeves panel" in my own house ... you know, where we each got to list, say, five and explain them. Then we could trade lists, and maybe promise not to discuss them till the next day, so we'd have a little time to process. My biggest peeve is his defensiveness: every time I bring up something that makes me nuts, such as the laundry only making it to the VICINITY of the basket but never in it, his response is "I don't do that." As if perhaps it is ME who runs quick quick into the bathroom and pulls his boxers OUT of the laundry bin and strews them around on the floor while he's showering... So, maybe, to deal with defensiveness, a written list and a cooling off period before we discuss it would be a great strategy.
Thanks so much for the great insights!