Discovering Dad - Latest Comments in What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

ChrisJB — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 21:55:13 -0000

busydad,
I think the opposite. I know it is a sin to ever say this, but having a kid, as much as i love him to death, was much harder than being just married. When it was just her and I, life was so easy it was a joke. Kids really take away from the relationship, from my experience. needless to say, im done at one(child). But that can also be this day and age, since we both have to work to afford our house and have to have sitters all the time, etc. It isnt like the old days when mommy stayed home. If that were the case, i would definitely have more just for her(she wants more kids)

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

jnbammer — Wed, 07 May 2008 21:45:20 -0000

Better late than never man - please leave a comment on any of the series posts and let us know your thoughts!

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

QuirkeeJames — Tue, 06 May 2008 21:40:48 -0000

Wow! I'm just getting around to reading this series (sorry for the late response) and I must say the first part is completely awesome. Kudos to all of you ladies for answering with honesty and pride!

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

tmanettas — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 10:49:47 -0000

One of my prized sayings about marriage: 'Like a houseplant-if you keep pulling it up to examine the roots it can't grow.'

Not that I don't go digging through the file cabinet of 'WELL, that one time you did blank! Guilty as charged.

When Mr.T and I started ~~dating~~ hooking up, we became pregnant 2 months later. We decided not to get married just because we were pregnant and decided to wait. Make sure we would make good parents together before we jumped into being lifelong mates. In all the ignorance surrounding us at 19/21 I am so proud of that decision. Family members were pissed. His thought I was a slut, mine thought he was a shmuck 'knocking her up' and not even making her legal? Tough times-though we have prevailed(thus far.) And man alive if anyone of you would have seen what we were like in years 1-4 you would have all wagered bets that we couldn't possibly last. We treated each other like crap. I offer no excuses either than we were 20/21-24/25 and were too dumb to figure out how to give up the formal way. Thank god!

I would say were I focus the most is selecting my battles wisely, and sticking to my guns on the things I am most passionate about. One thing making me think we can really make it through the test of time is that we have always have one fight, and one fight only- we happen to fight about that topic frequently. Money. I am passionate about spending it, he is passionate about saving it. He stays dedicated to his cause and I stay dedicated to mine. That, I find to be respectful.

Saying marriage is work-well that's an understatement if ever I heard one.

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

PG — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 01:35:57 -0000

Great stuff. My wife and I have been married for 12 years now, together for 19! NINETEEN!! HOLY SH*T!

We were high school sweethearts, broke up when we went to college 3000 miles apart for a year, but fell back in with each other when she came back home.

What Mr. Lady says is soooo true, I am not the person I was back on day one, nor is my wife. For the most part that is a good thing. But sometimes it's disappointing, frustrating, or just plain sad. But it's a big time change. Not just little things here and there but major stuff. Throw in four kids and it's a whole new ballgame. It's a challenge, but very rewarding to constantly work on it, work on yourself and tackle the obstacles and make each day better (at least a little part of the day) better than the one before.

Without my marriage, without my wife I wouldn't be me. I would be "unrecognizable to myself" (thanks Boss) and I wouldn't be happy about that. This whole marriage thing is hard but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

jnbammer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 23:32:26 -0000

Cool! Make sure you tell him to leave a comment and introduce himself!

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

jnbammer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 23:31:52 -0000

Thanks Jason! I used to have a boss who would say to me, "Nothing is good, unless you have to work hard for it." And, I would always ask her, "But, why does it always have to be soooo hard? Can't some things just come easy?" So far, in my life, marriage is not one of those things that has come easy. Probably because I'm not easy (well, you know, I am, but...) to get along with at times (ever).

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

jnbammer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 23:24:21 -0000

It's interesting that you mentioned your parents Frances. My wife and I both have excellent parents who have been happily married for 35+ years. Why do you think the divorce rate is so much higher now than in generations past? What has changed?

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

jnbammer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 23:19:30 -0000

We can be total assholes at times. Fortunately, we try to balance it out :-)

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

jnbammer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 23:16:52 -0000

Pride is a hard thing to overcome, no matter what, even after being together for almost 10 years, in my experience. Love overcomes pride though, every time, if you let it. Glad to hear you are having a good first year Jojo! I agree too with what you said about mutual respect being another key to happiness. Thanks!

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

jnbammer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 23:12:51 -0000

Kids forget when you mess up - like 2 seconds later - we adults tend to hold onto things a little longer, and spouses take things personally from each other more so than people they don't care about. Not sure if that relates, but it's what your comment made me think about Tyler. Thanks!

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

ourcrookedtree — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:46:15 -0000

what a great idea. you could not have picked a better panel! I am sending the hubs over tomorrow ☺

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

jason — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:19:29 -0000

Great start to the series. I think as husbands and wives go, we all agree that marriage is tough and should not be entered into with reservations. It also requires remarkable commitment. Everyone I've met that divorce all have the same story -- one member of the two-person partnership gave up too easy. It takes strong and willing individuals to make a marriage work. I really enjoyed reading the Mom's insights. There is something common among them all -- it's the fact that sometimes we need to just take a break from the rat race and simply show some affection and appreciation. It's the little things. And it goes both ways.

@BusyDad - Sometimes I feel the same way. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in fatherhood that being a good husband seems to take the backburner. I need to work on that.

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

Frances — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 17:52:42 -0000

Came via Kim's blog.. and have to say I can't wait to check out the rest of the series.

Everyone has different experiences with marriage and I really enjoy reading other's perspectives. I met my husband and we immediately hit it off - and within 6 months we were married and pregnant with our first child (he was 25, I was 23). We've been together almost 3 years now. Marriage for us has come easy to us - we both learned from our parents just how difficult a marriage can be and that it takes a lot of work. but it has its rewards. He is truly my best friend - the person I turn to no matter what. He puts up with me - and that says a lot. I'm not the easiest person to deal with!

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

simplyChuck — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 17:05:51 -0000

Nice contribution - very true!

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

MomoFali — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:52:40 -0000

There's no doubt that marriage is work, but I agree with Chuck that it's worth working for. My husband and I have been through so much together, that I can't imagine life without him..even if he is a real ass sometimes.

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

Jojo — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:50:32 -0000

Wow, this was really great! I found your site through Kimmylyn's. I'm a 23YO mom and a newlywed for only 5 months now. People say that the first year of marriage is the hardest...but I don't know about that. I'm suspecting it's every single year thereafter. But yea I suppose getting into the groove of it is pretty daunting. Mutual respect and openness is definitely the most important I think. The biggest topics of argument for us have been money and "in-laws". We are both very proud, so it takes us 4 days to get over an argument and I think I threatened divorce about 10 times...but I never meant it and I'm still in love with this man like crazy.

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

jnbammer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:32:09 -0000

Right on - communication is a definite key!

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

jnbammer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:31:33 -0000

Thanks Karen! I'm sure you've got a ton of interesting experiences and insights to share as well! You should have your husband come over and check out the series too. It'd be cool to hear what you both think and share :-) Kim is awesome - thanks for coming over!

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

Karen MEG — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:23:05 -0000

What an interesting discussion on marriage. These ladies said it all and then some. I am so fascinated by their stories and their insight
Marriage is NOT all wine and roses obviously. But the love is what binds, and that love does evolve through the years. And if the evolution includes children, it's a whole other world.
I've been married almost 15 years now; together with hubs over 20. Yeah, we were uh-hum, kids when we met, and are still big kids at heart. But I think the thing that binds us most is the fact that we do "miss" each other from time to time... and we let each other know that.
great kickoff - came via Kim's blog

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

lasthome — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:22:49 -0000

One of the hardest things about marriage is for each spouse to find out what the other needs to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. Each of us has our own idea of what makes us feel loved - for some it's physical closeness and affection, for others it's time together. Also there's doing things for you, giving you things, and merely saying the right thing at the right time. But what the husband needs and assumes the wife needs, may not actually be what she needs. And the wife might need something and assume the husband needs it to, while all along the husband needs something else. Without proper communication and trust, they can go years and years gritting teeth and bearing it, assuming they are loved by their partner but never really knowing for sure.

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

jnbammer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:12:50 -0000

I will definitely take you up on the offer bro!

Thanks for sharing a little of your story. I tell ya, from my experience, you're very fortunate to have what you've got. It's hard to make things work when your young. My parents got married at 18 & 19 and are still hanging strong, and I look to them as a great example. You guys will be an awesome example to your kids too Joe.

Lori and I are really tight too, and we had instant chemistry. We got engaged after 3 months and married after 7 months of dating. It took us time to develop the relationship, but now I can't ever imagine being without her. She is definitely a realist - I would say that we're both optimistic pragmatists. Either way, she's the bomb in my book!

BTW - everyone should check out the "braid off" competition between Joeprah and Mr. Lady. Funny stuff!

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

jnbammer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:08:45 -0000

Thanks Kim!

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

Mr Lady — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:02:45 -0000

Tyler, flattery will get you everywhere.

Re: What Moms Really Think About Marriage - The Good, Bad and Ugly

Joe — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:00:36 -0000

Dude, this is great stuff. I am very happily married and I think (crossing my fingers) that my wife would say the same. We were high school sweethearts and got married young (21 &20). That's right, my wife couldn't drink on our wedding night. The first year or so was difficult as newlyweds there is a lot to learn, but thankfully we have always had a good sense of humor and we have always been best friends which makes some of the rough patches easier to navigate. When I say we are tight, I mean its hard to imagine two people more on the same page than we are.

The ladies had some interesting answers, I feel the carpet thing with Mr. Lady, some of the stories I have followed for a while now like Pipes and I respect and think the world of all these gals. I just beginning to know your wife, but she seems really cool and she sounds like the other ladies, a realist. I think that is the key, idealists on either side of a marriage are poison. You need to be able to navigate that obstacle course while drunk. Great post. I would like to participate on the dad side if you need an extra bloke.
Peace!