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Wow--you look at all five answers, five different women from all over and look at the general theme throughout--the greatest dads are the present dads. Fathers actively involved in the lives of their children and family. I couldn't agree more. Fatherhood is a privilege and should be treated as such.
Sidenote: Everyone come back tomorrow to learn more about Ed - he's in the Spotlight!!!
The one huge piece of advice I would give dads is to not let your job consume you or your time. There is nothing, nothing in the world that's more important to society than being a good dad. I don't care if you're president of a local board of directors, president of a corporation or President the United States, if you're regularly sacrificing quality time with your kids because you're doing something related to work, you need to immediately reevaluate your priorities. I work 40 hours a week, no more, and am very grateful for it. What little work I have to do at home is almost always after the kids are in bed. My biggest problem is the theatre that I do, as when I am doing a show I'm gone most weekday evenings for about 3-4 weeks. But that's maybe once or twice a year, and I still manage to squeeze in as much time as possible to see them. Take them to school, go to the game before a rehearsal - it's always about them. If you're working 80 hours a week, or if your job takes you away from home so much you start missing those milestones - and believe me, to you one soccer game isn't a milestone but when they score the winning goal and you're not there, it definitely is to them.
Everything you do has to be run through the "is this going to benefit, or at least not hurt my kids" filter. Their lives will be more fulfilling, and so will yours.
Two caveats: One, again like with Mr Lady's family I believe her when she says her husband's able to do all that and still be a quality dad. That's great, I'm talking about the ones who aren't quality dads but work 80 hours a week. The other caveat is the one that's barely making ends meet with his job. Maybe circumstances demand he work 2 jobs just to put food on the table, and he's barely making enough to keep the heat on much less buy a decent TV and gas for the car. That's different. Again, it's the dad that's so consumed by his status and work position that he loses sight of what's really important in favor of "stuff" that is wrong.
My stepfather and father-in-law were both working class men. Hard, strong laborers but they couldn't have been more different. Probably the biggest thing that I admire about my father-in-law is his ability to learn from his mistakes.
Jeremy, this has been an amazing series. You deserve major props for setting it up and your guest writers deserve major props for sharing their insights. Thanks everyone!
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts too Cory. Learning from mistakes is a sign of true strength of character.
We dads will still make some mistakes along the way, but we're growing and learning all the time. My question is how do you help those passive dads to be less passive? Seems like they're not the ones that would be reading blogs like ours to begin with? How do you get a dad who doesn't really care to get it?
Great finale to a really eye-opening, informative series!! You know what I think is the BEST part about being a dad today? The fact that the "good dad" is yet to be defined. To me, it opens up the opportunity to improvise, change the rules and have fun with it. I can see how this can be daunting for those dads who just want to put in their "9 to 5" of parenthood and plop down in front of Sportscenter when the whistle blows, but for those of us who cherish being a dad (or view it as the one thing that defines them), it is an opportunity to create the prototype that others after us can emulate. How kick ass is that??? VERY.
Apparently, wrestling's the way to go, guys!
Pitching a gazillion balls and helping his son work on his "good stance" for hitting a baseball is good. So is dancing to silly songs about dinosaurs with his daughter. Most of all, though? The kisses and constant sense that he is proud of them, adores them, and adores me. PDA in your own home is a very very very good thing for kids, I think.
Also, your post yesterday is the perfect example of why the ENTIRE family helps the parents excel.
This has been a GREAT series, one of the most exciting since I've started reading blogs not too long ago. There's something to be said about having something to say and SO many people are waiting every morning to see it, to participate, to put in their 2 cents and be respected by an individual reply. Thank you so much! I really enjoyed this.
We'll have to just tear the house apart!
Congratulations Jeremy for putting together such a great series and thank you ladies for your great insight. It was eye opening to say the least.
My husband made parenting and providing for his children the priority in his life, and is now enjoying a fabulous relationship with all of them. Even though he has always worked about 70 hours a week, he always made time for them. When they were little, he got down on the floor with them, played, pretended, built forts, took them fishing, went to every concert, ballet recital and program they were ever involved in. And most importantly, he talked WITH them, not just TO them. He let them know he is interested in who they are, not just in what they do. Today he hunts and fishes with the boys, goes with all of them to concerts, and kayaks regularly with our daughter and just hangs out with her. He just recently learned how to 'text' on his phone, and now is a bit out of control with the number of text's he sends them each day. But, THEY LOVE IT!
Of course, mistakes were made along the way, and we learned from them. Effective discipline was never his strong area. We learned which area's of parenting he was better at, and which one's he wasn't, and we each filled in the blanks for the other one over time. And, just like kids go thru 'stages', we go thru stages as parents too. I think it's OK for kids to see we aren't perfect, and that you don't need to already be an expert at something before you start - sometimes it's OK to learn as you go. He's given all of the kids a great foundation to build on when they decide to have their own children some day.
I agree with all of the ladies about what a good dad is. He participates in raising his kids (and he does dirty diapers and midnight wakings), he plays with them...all of that...it's wonderful. A good dad is also responsible though. He thinks about how his actions will affect his family, and not just himself. For example, if you had $5,000 extra dollars, what would you do with it? A good dad would put it towards the family bills, or buy something the whole family would enjoy for time to come. A not so great dad would think only of what HE wants everytime there is extra money (I don't mean every once in a while buying yourself something large...just as long as it's not every time). A good dad helps with the discipline and is very aware of how the things he says and does WILL BE mimicked one day. A good dad is responsible...he does the hard stuff of being a parent, as well as the fun stuff. A good dad (and mom) also do stuff that isn't necessarily fun, because it's what is best for their kid at that time.
Great job!
This is a great series, Jeremiah. I'm glad you've done this for us. Men have traditionally been terrible at being involved in the household. It's reassuring to see the mind shift towards unity and teamwork between the parents. I'm also glad to see the women are appreciating their husbands more.
I've also been meaning to share more of my parenting experiences in my blog. But my wife has an issue with privacy, so I'm limiting it as best as I can. Good thing I have Jeremiah's blog to fall back to. :-)
But it's also very sad to hear how many women share the experience of having a distant, absent or otherwise non-committed father. This kind of thing is self-reinforcing, in that many who are raised in this kind of home grow up to have a very unfavorable view of fathers, or no idea what a father should be at all, and then pass it on to their children, and so on.
Good dads have a real chore to do, helping spread the seed of committed, engaged and manly fatherhood to help reverse this trend.
BTW -- I just knew BusyDad would wince at the "bring him a cold beer" line.
My gosh Mr. Lady, you are inside my head. I wish my son had all of that. Sure, he gets the play time, but he never once saw his dad show his mom (me) the kind of affection that teaches a child what a good relationship is all about. That's another point to be made for dad's who have no qualms about showing the mother of their children affection.
One thing I think should be pointed out (and that I intend to work at constantly with my own daughter) is involvement throughout their entire life. Especially with daughters, I think, it can be easier to withdraw a bit when they reach the teenage years, as we know less or pretend to know less about how to advise them. I saw this happen with my own dad and my sister. Its very important to stay involved for the long haul...the job never ends.
That's where my father dropped the ball, big time. I know one other panelist shares that in common with me, but I'll let her share if she chooses.
Just don't let her think she's on her own, and don't loose your footing as the dad. DO NOT try to be her friend. Love her, love her to death, but she's got enough friends. She needs a dad.
And remember, someday, she's going to marry a younger YOU. Set a good example of respect and love. That's all, really.
Mr Lady - "And remember, someday, she's going to marry a younger YOU". That can never......never........happen.
I sometimes actually take for granted that my husband is a wonderful dad.... until I see one who isn't (and yes, I have heard husbands say they are "babysitting"). Oh, if only I could get them in a dark alley... mmhmm. I think many, many dads today are enjoying a real dad experience. I even see my own dad and my father-in-law, both of whom are great, be very hands off with the grandkids.
Dads today, the good ones, are very hands ON. That is the difference. It's something so simple, but means so much. It's not babysitting for a real man. It's dadhood. Whether that's wiping a butt or playing and romping or doing the dishes so mom can get 5 damn minutes to sit an relax.
Dads actually dad now. They are parents. The ones who think that is weird or somehow less masculine... well, they are the ones who have serious issues.
You dads all rock. I love working dads who have to juggle parenting roles and work places that don't understand about being a dad actively, and I love stay-at-home dads who have to tolerate a lot of people just not getting them. I love me some good dads.
:)
This one is easy for me because luckily I married a guy who is more natural at this parenting thing than I am! Ironically enough, he was the one who wasn't sure that he wanted to have kids early on.
A good dad is one who is here for his kids, both physically and emotionally. He's hands on, but doesn't just "play" with them as his role of engaging them. Sure he plays with them, but he also does chores with them, teaches them, disciplines them if needed (athough giving them a time out probably hurts him more than it does them) , nurtures them and cuddles them. These days the kids are his shadow ... especially when he's been away. They are all over him, and even though he's totally exhausted after coming home, he'll get them ready for bed, read a book and tuck them in. Because that's the routine, he knows they love it, and they're the most important people to him in the world.
Okay, I'm gonna cry now ;)
The gals on your panel did just great, and look at the discussions you generated!
Have a great weekend!
Thanks!