DISQUS

jason · 1 year ago

This is an excellent post. I like your rationale and I agree with you regarding "individual first; husband second; dad third; and, everything else falls later on the list."

I can't say I've ever been asked the question about the importance of being a good husband vs. good father. However, I would just say I'm dedicated to striving for both, no matter how difficult or impossible it may be.

jnbammer · 1 year ago

Thanks Jason! I think you have to strive for both - they are both wonderfully inescapable, unlike other things in life.

cory huff · 1 year ago

What an important thing, Jeremy. Being a husband first, a friend and confidant to your wife will be such a strength to your children. I admire your priorities.

jnbammer · 1 year ago

Thanks Cory. I hope I can set as good an example as my parents did for me.

Ed (zoesdad) · 1 year ago

Interesting breakdown. I think I may have lost the individuality some time ago. Seems as of late it's been all about the kids around here. Sometimes I just get bitter and could care less about being a good anything.

jnbammer · 1 year ago

Ed - you always stand out to me man :-)

Lori · 1 year ago

It's Ok, honey.

Just like I know my dad loves me more than my mom does, I know you love me best .... because you ended up with me BY CHOICE, not genetic roulette. You know, when you just spin the wheel and see what type of kid you get???

And even though I don't love you up as much as I do Ty, I do love you best (at least differntly, right?)

You know that Ty loves you very much.... just not as much as he loves me. (Just kidding.) There's got to be some delusional perks for having to carry a child for 40 weeks, right?

And remember, as my parents used to tell me, "You're right, we do love your sister more."

jnbammer · 1 year ago

Roulette? I thought is was a crap shoot!

Joe · 1 year ago

Yeah, lame question, do 'em both well. Next!

PS off to search Joeprah

jnbammer · 1 year ago

Yes, I see that you are still the most popular search on the site! Oh, by the way, saw the potty training video - I'll have to get some pointers from you on that one.

Derek · 1 year ago

Great post. As others noted, I think you are taking a good approach to this question and all we can really do is be the best person, dad, husband that we can be. The beautiful thing is that they all lead into each other - by being a good person, you will exhibit traits that will make you a good husband, which will in turn be setting a great example for your children and lead to you being a good dad as well.

jnbammer · 1 year ago

Thanks Derek! I agree that all of these roles are interconnected. I think it's important to try and be the "best" me in life, and it will manifest itself in every role. I liked your post the other day about values, and I think they play a major part in succeeding as a husband and dad too.

Lin Burress · 1 year ago

You have your priorities right, understanding the importance of valuing yourself first, then being a good husband to your wife, then the responsibilities of being a good father.

Balancing the different roles and responsibilities may never be done perfectly by anyone, but continuously trying to improve every day is what makes the difference between a good husband and father vs. what I would refer to as a Slacker Dad/Husband.

The kids grow up and move on with their lives (hopefully not still living with the parents), husband and wife are left to with years ahead alone with each other. If the relationship between husband and wife hasn't been cultivated throughout the years while kids were at home, couples can find themselves looking at each other as strangers when the kids have moved on.

Finding a good balance is a continuous work in progress, but it's one that can't be overemphasized.

jnbammer · 1 year ago

Thanks Lin! I agree that it is an incremental learning process. We make mistakes and do things right. We learn from both, and then we apply it to future actions. Balance is definitely a challenge though, for me anyway.

Carol · 1 year ago

I think you answered that wonderfully and I think I'm gonna make my hubby read this because I feel he is still confused as to where he stands on both parts I think.

jnbammer · 1 year ago

Great! Tell him to leave a comment with what he thinks too. I'm interested in what he has to say.

dadshouse · 1 year ago

Nice post. I'm a single dad with half-time custody, so the being a good dad part is my main focus. As I think about entering a new relationship, I need to re-remember all the partner stuff. I like what you wrote: Husbands and wives who love, value, respect and understand each other can spend a lifetime together Good stuff.

jnbammer · 1 year ago

Thanks dad! I'm sure it's tough situation to be in right now for you, and I imagine that there is a certain degree of skepticism about future relationships you may have. Partnership is definitely key, as you said, and feeling confident about your own self-worth in other roles (dad, employee, individual) is what helped me make things work the second time around.

Mike · 1 year ago

Great breakdown of roles.

I totally understand when you say "Being a good father requires time and energy on my part; and, whether I like it or not, it is at the expense of being a good friend, volunteer, worker and, sometimes, husband"...... except for the husband part. By being a good father you are automatically expending energy towards "good husband-ness". Taking time out of your day to care for the kids makes life a little easier on the wife so she doesn't do everything herself.... Nes Pah? Ergo Good Husband!

Correct me if I'm wrong.

jnbammer · 1 year ago

I think you're right. My wife and I have a little different set-up to our life though. She works outside of the house, and my office is in our home. I take care of the kids 3 days a week, and her parents help us out 2 days. I try to make sure that she doesn't have to do a lot of stuff around the house, so she can spend quality time with us. Hopefully that achieves the same goal that you're talking about:)

Tom · 1 year ago

Excellent question. I've heard it said that "the best thing a dad can do for his kids is to love their mother." I believe being a good husband is essential to being a good dad. I think they go hand-in-hand; I don't think you can really do one without the other. But I agree with your order of priorities!

jnbammer · 1 year ago

I like that Tom, and I think you're right. Thanks for sharing it!

MagnoliaMom · 1 year ago

Great post! Really well put.

jnbammer · 1 year ago

Thanks MM!

Jojo · 1 year ago

Oooh I loved this post very much Jeremy. Did you see the Scott Baio is 46 and pregnant or something like that. Well me neither..but I saw a commercial and some lady told him...The best thing you can do for your kids is to LOVE their mother. I think that phrase resonates quite well and is true in your household as well as mine. Even in my experience, being truly loved by my husband (by him being a "good" one) makes me happier, in turn making me a good mother too.

Night Writer · 1 year ago

I'll echo Tom and JoJo - being a good dad means being a good husband and vice-versa. It gives my wife peace and confidence to see and know how commited I am to our children and that adds so much to our relationship. Similarly, children need peace and stability. I do things with my girls and they know I love them, but one of the best things my wife and I do for them is to love each other, make decisions together, enjoy one another. Our kids know their home is secure and they can see the difference between our family and what many of their friends experience, and they are well aware of the things that they don't have to deal with in their lives. When everyone is secure in the knowledge of his or her belonging to the family there isn't as much concern about who gets more time or who has to prove this or that; neither my wife or my children, nor myself, have to "act out" to get more attention.

jnbammer · 1 year ago

Wow! Sounds like you have an awesome family and marriage - congratulations! Thanks for the comment!

manmails · 1 year ago

Marriage first. We first committed to love this woman above all else. Marriage remains after you raise kids and they leave home. The most profound lesson a man can model for his boy and girl children is that of a loving husband. How else will our girls know how to evaluate a potential husband if not by how dad loved mom? Our boys will best know the measure of a good husband and how to treat women by the way dad has loved mom.

Being a good dad is second priority for a manly man. When we prioritize marriage as first, the raising of kids comes much easier. We tend to agree more on discipline. We easily back each other up. We don't let the kids play us against each other. When my wife knows that she is first on my list, my commitment to and time spent with the kids becomes a blessing to her, not a competition.

Third (maybe) is being a good me. Being good to yourself was what you did before marriage and kids. Get that selfish stuff out of your system before you say "I do". The new paradigm is to be good to yourself by giving of yourself to those whom you love. Isn't that what love is, really: giving sacrificially?

Not trying to be cantankerous(sp?). Just saying how it works for me.

jnbammer · 1 year ago

Nothing cantankerofolous (;-) about that at all. What you are describing, to me, is the concept of Servant Leadership applied to marriage. When I think of being "good to yourself," I don't think of it in terms of fancy treats and crap like that. I think of being good to yourself as making sure that you spend time developing yourself to be better in each of your roles. There are many ways to do this that are not selfish, and personally, I believe that if you don't take time to learn new things and improve upon existing strengths, then you will plateau as a person and limit your potential as both a good husband and dad. Does that make sense? We're probably talking about the same concept. Great comment - thanks for sharing!

- · 1 year ago

Part of being a good Husband is being a good Dad, part of being a good Dad is being a good Husband. They are one in the same. If for any reason being a Husband needs to triumph over being a good Dad then she is being a bad Wife.